Roots Of Growth, Blossoms Of Change.

The quote above pretty much sums up what I am writing about today, but you know, just in a much simpler way.

But its true, change at first is scary, at least for me. To be honest, I don’t really do all that well when it comes to something changing, even if it is minuscule in the grand scheme of things. But things, events, people, plans, and just life in general change all the time. All the time.

When I began recovery, change was probably my biggest fear. It was the underlying fear, as well as the umbrella fear that encased all of my many fears into a nice little big suitcase which I carried around with me. (Metaphorically of course, I did not literally carry around a suitcase with me). 😉 But seriously, change is for the most part an inevitable and scary experience, especially in dealing with something that strives for control, such has an eating disorder or OCD.

Thankfully, no matter how impactful the change felt at the time, my so called perspective on “negative” change has shown me that it has a funny way of becoming something that produces happiness. And let me tell you, the change, no ALL the change that has taken place in my life over the past eight months has produced some type of positive aspect in my life.

I could go on and list all the negative aspects of change that are now positive, but I am sure that you do not have time to read a novel, nor do I have time to write one. So instead I want to point out one positive change that was prominent for me this past week.

This week I went on my first three mile run since I was put on exercise restriction well over a year ago. This was huge for me. I was given permission to run three miles a couple weeks ago, however, I did not do it until this week for a couple reasons. One, I have only been able to run with the convenience of a treadmill due to the lack of a running buddy for the trails, buuut I now have one! Score! Two, I wanted my first three mile run to be outside because I absolutely love running outside and lets be honest, running outside is much more fulfilling than running on a treadmill that takes me absolutely nowhere.

So this last Saturday my friend and I hit up the trails. I cannot even describe how amazing it felt to be out there, running, soaking up the beautiful spring sun, and the ever changing scenery. I could go on, but the bottom line is that all throughout those three miles I could not stop thinking about how thankful I am for those never ending days of decreased exercise, or all those times I chose to focus on recovery instead of running a mile because I felt like I “needed” to. Running those three miles was something I wanted to do. I was so darn thankful for recovery.

Needless to say, I cannot wait to run more mileage outside and be able to (hopefully) slowly, but surely, increase my mileage because this past week I definitely fell in love with running all over again.

In terms of the quote above, being able to run more mileage has come through change and growth, and now I am beginning to see my efforts of recovery blooming.

I am thankful for change.

And running. 😉

Eating Disorder Awareness Week Day One: I Had No Idea.

I never imagined that almost three years ago, a passion of mine had the power to become something unhealthy, unsafe, and dangerous for my health. I never imagined that something that brought me so much joy and freedom could become something that I needed to become free from. I would have never guessed that my love for sports, for running, would become an obsession that was a product of an eating disorder that I was unaware of at the time.

Although my passion for running was not the only cause of my eating disorder, it was definitely played a huge role.

The obsession and need to run more, longer, faster, and harder was a slow progression. Although, looking back on it, it seemed to happen in the blink of an eye.

It was not so much the running at first that accompanied my eating disorder, but another contributing factor. Food. Or should I say lack of. In addition to running multiple miles every day, and then soon after that joining the cross country team and running even more, not to mention soccer practices and games, lets just say I had a heavy workout load. But, that workout load was not accompanied by fueling my body properly, in fact, I barely fed my body at all.

I began to only eat certain foods. I developed fear foods pretty quickly. So quickly I don’t even know how or when it happened, it just happened.

That’s the scary thing. It just happened. It all just happened. I didn’t want it. I didn’t ask for it. But not eating, immersing myself in something I loved, maybe because deep down I knew that no one would question someone who worked hard and was so devoted, especially when that is in my nature. Especially when giving it my all, that’s me.

At this time during my eating disorder I was not particularly concerned with the aspect of body image. I was not too familiar with the thoughts that accompanied it, although I think from the very beginning it was somewhat a factor, but not enough for me to really remember. My main thought process was that if I ate, then I would not perform as well in my race or game because I would be weighed down or too full to play well. This led to a lot of restricting so that I could feel empty.

OCD was also a contributing factor. A few months prior to the beginning of my eating disorder, my OCD was uncontrollable. As time went on I was able to control it a little, but mainly I was just concealing it. Internally I felt like my world was falling apart. I felt weird, abnormal, crazy even. I knew that the OCD rituals that I “had” to do were ridiculous and I did not want to do them at all. But at the time I had not received proper treatment, and so I hid my rituals and I felt miserable.

I would say that my eating disorder was a product of control within the OCD. I mean, I couldn’t control how I felt, my life, OCD or how it affected me daily. But my innate human response told me, not literally, but it responded to the chaos in my life by disordered behavior around food. I could control how much I ate. I could control how much I exercised. I could control what I ate and when. I could control food, but I couldn’t control my world. I had no idea I had an eating disorder, I just wanted a moment free from the anxiety that suffocated me every second of the day.

I believe it was a couple moths or less after the treatment I received for OCD that I was diagnosed with an eating disorder. Oh man. I still remember the day my therapists handed me an article to read about athletes and eating disorders and the conversation that followed between my therapist, and my mom and I. In the moment, I was devastated. I felt broken, confused, and even more flawed than I already felt. In one instance I felt like a weight had been lifted off my shoulders but before I knew it there was an even heavier weight that replace it. I knew that the road ahead of me was going to be one of the roughest and longest roads of my life.

But now when I remember that vivid session in my mind, I am so incredibly thankful. That day could have very well saved my life. I am thankful my therapist gave me that article, and I am thankful she informed me, educated me, and has helped me every single step of the way.

My eating disorder has definitely changed throughout its cycle. At different times it has changed and developed. Sometimes it was really bad and other times it was not as prevalent. Fear foods changed over time and the amount of food, and my safe foods changed every once in a while.

But skipping ahead a little because it is hard to summarize everything that happened…Over the summer I was referred to a dietitian.

From that point on, true eating disorder recovery began. I mean, I was recovering before by doing a lot of mental work and preparing for the next steps. But the day I started seeing her the weight gain process began.

My dietitian has taught me so much about food, health, and my body. She, along with my therapist, have both played a huge role in my recovery process and I am so thankful for their support and their knowledge.

Since then I have returned to a healthy weight. My mindset is healthier. My hair is thicker. My clothes fit and my eating disorder clothes are long gone. My skin is healthier. My period is normalizing. Exercise is no longer an addiction or obsessive coping skill. My list of fear foods is diminishing. I can go out to a restaurant to eat. The scale no longer determines how little I eat. My life is healthier. I am happier.

Just like I had no idea I would get OCD,

I HAD NO IDEA that I would get an eating disorder.

But now I know.

And you know what else I know?

Recovery, no matter how ugly it gets. No matter how hard and physically, emotionally, and mentally painful it is, it is worth it. In the end, it will be beautiful.

Life Lately.

Is it really already February?

This year is going by way too fast already.

Life lately has consisted of mainly the usual. With school, work and my weekly appointments I have a pretty steady schedule throughout the week. But don’t worry, in the midst of my schedule there have been some wonderful moments.

So what have I been up to lately?

This past month it was my beautiful mamma’s birthday. Happy Birthday! Fun fact, my moms birthday is the same day as my dogs birthday. Weird huh? The picture I put on Facebook of us for her birthday in my opinion was hilarious because we were being goofy, my mom on the other hand, did not think it was very funny so I am hoping that this picture makes up for that. But what are daughters for, right? Anyways, the picture above previews my mom and I after my dietitian appointment a couple weeks ago. We went to a new place call Liquidolody which you can find more information about here: http://liquidologybar.com/

Do it. Go to it. Try it. You wont regret it.

•             •             •             •             •

This year so far we have had some beautiful weather. Do we need rain? Yes. But honestly I am enjoying this weather. But then again, we are in a drought and need rain.

 Why not go to the Lake when January is beautiful?Although all of these rocks should be under water, it was fun to be able to climb on them.

 I really love this picture.

 Is it just me or is skipping rocks one of the most fun things to do when it is too cold to swim but perfect weather to just hang out at the lake? We probably skipped rocks for a  good twenty minutes and let me tell you, my arm was sore the next day. Now I know that I probably sounds ridiculous and you are probably chuckling to yourself right now as you read this and I don’t blame you because it sounds pretty lame. But in my defense we take our rock skipping pretty seriously. 😉

 Another picture capturing another amazing memory. Three months of adventures. 🙂

•             •             •              •              •

I love capturing moments like these. I must say, my brothers are pretty cool. Weird, but cool. The other day we played soccer outside and thankfully only one fence post was harmed. I love moments like these because for a few years I missed out on a lot of fun with them because I was so closed up inside my own mind. Sometimes I get angry with myself and wish I could get those moments that I lost back, but then I remember how much more appreciative I am of the moments I have with them now. So there you have it. Life lately.

Psalm 34:8 Taste and see that the Lord is good;
blessed is the one who takes refuge in him.

Psalm 18:32

I LOVE THIS VERSE. Enough said.

Do YOU Like YOU?

Society today has destroyed the word beautiful.

They have molded it and manipulated it to mean things that it was never intended to portray.

Dictionary.com VS. Societies definition of beautiful:

Beautiful: having beauty; possessing qualities that give great pleasure or satisfaction to see, hear and think about,etc.; delighting the senses or mind; excellent of its kind; wonderful; very  pleasing or satisfying. (dictionary.com)

Beautiful: Photoshop, thin, make-up, flawless, perfect, unrealistic, unreachable, body shape, eye color, hair color, weight…fake. (Society)

Our perception is flawed. Our daily lives are constantly filled with ads and commercials to make you slimmer, beautiful and sexy, or ways to alter your appearance through pills and plastic surgery. The pressure is all around us and we can not escape it. However, we can change it.

Today I stumbled across something that I wish the whole world could see right this second. I am always so happy when campaigns take place, such as the Dove Campaign, to educate society and women of all ages what true beauty is. Because the reality is that beauty looks different on everyone.

I encourage you to click this link and watch this video. It is very inspiring and something every girl should see and hear no matter what age. The truth behind it is raw and honest and the message it portrays is what society should be teaching instead of the harmful message they portray.

Colbie Caillat “Try”

I give huge props to Colbie Callat. She speaks the truth.

We should not feel pressured to be someone who we are not. We should not feel the need to cover up our flaws and hide what we really look like on the outside or the inside. We also should not believe what society says. I know it is hard. It is all over billboards, magazines, TV and the internet. It is practically everywhere we look. But we have to remember that it is not real. The model in the picture is manipulated by Photoshop. The plastic surgery won’t make you happy. The diet pill isn’t magic. The mirror does not define your self worth.

In the grand scheme of things, it does not matter what other people think of you. Everyone is beautiful in their own way. Beauty is not limited to one trait, or physical attribute. It is not defined by your height, weight, hair color, skin color, eye color or anything else society preaches.

The true definition of Beautiful is: YOU. 

Song Of Solomon 4:7 You are altogether beautiful, my love; there is no flaw in you.