Cause You Had A Bad Day.

Is it just me, or did the song Bad Day start playing in your head when you read the title?

Yes? No? Just me?

Anyways. Its Saturday and this week has gone by fast but each day seemed to drag by in regards to how I was doing mentally. Some days were good, others were, well, awful. Especially Wednesday. Wednesday was a day spent in the fog of eating disorder thoughts and the worst body image I have had in a while.

Sounds fun right?

Wrong.

It was one of those days where you get knocked down time and time again. In fact, in order to avoid falling on my butt for the thousandth time I almost gave in and just stayed down. But what good would that have done?

It was one of those days that leaves me crying, wishing that someone, anything could just take the thoughts away.

It was one of those days.

On days like these it always seems harder to remember the skills I have learned in therapy, or the fact that I can use self compassion.

Those days I try to remind myself frequently that its okay. Its okay that I am having a tough day. Its okay that my body image is in the gutter. Its okay that I have more eating disorder thoughts than normal. Its okay.

I was reminded that of how thankful I am that those days are not nearly as frequent as they used to be. Days like Wednesday used to be every day, yet ten times worse. That means that if I have a few rough days, I know that I can handle them and get through it.

My recovery is not in vain because I had a bad day. Instead, I choose to look at it as a reminder that I am human, in recovery, fighting every single day.

And you know what, today was a pretty great day mentally. I am thankful for that.

The Moments Captured: Life Lately.

Happy Tuesday! Oh man, its only Tuesday. But hey, that’s okay because I can definitely wait for my super long work shift that ends at eleven pm on Friday. So yes, happy Tuesday!

I was looking over my most early blog posts compared to now, and it was strange to read the difference in who I was and who I am now. Needless to say, the difference between then and now is called recovery, so I am okay with what I used to write about and what I write about now. Now that does note necessarily mean that I  will never again post something that has a sullen tone to it, because honestly, recovery is still messy at times. but the overall tone of my blog has changed, and that is a wonderful thing.

So how about a miniature update?

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The other day I went to my brothers volleyball game. And contrary to what it may look like, no, we are not twins. Although we do pretend that we are sometimes. But no. I am three years older, thank you very much. Unfortunately they lost, and in an attempt to make him feel better I thought he would like a picture with his sissy as my mom and youngest brother decided to photo bomb us. Ha. I love this picture.

Say hello to my youngest brother. Although he is almost taller than me, I still have him beat by at least a couple inches. But seriously though, this picture pretty much sums up…him. He is a total goof and he definitely never ceases to add laughter to my life.

This picture was taken as we were leaving an outdoor professional soccer game. Although we got there late due to traffic and missed the goal because we both had to use the bathroom after holding it for almost the whole game, it was a fun night. In fact, that day it was our four month anniversary. We celebrated with dinner, a game, and frozen yogurt.

Oh, and just one more. I cant help it. Late night homework and goofy photos are definitely memories that will last forever. 

 

Roots Of Growth, Blossoms Of Change.

The quote above pretty much sums up what I am writing about today, but you know, just in a much simpler way.

But its true, change at first is scary, at least for me. To be honest, I don’t really do all that well when it comes to something changing, even if it is minuscule in the grand scheme of things. But things, events, people, plans, and just life in general change all the time. All the time.

When I began recovery, change was probably my biggest fear. It was the underlying fear, as well as the umbrella fear that encased all of my many fears into a nice little big suitcase which I carried around with me. (Metaphorically of course, I did not literally carry around a suitcase with me). 😉 But seriously, change is for the most part an inevitable and scary experience, especially in dealing with something that strives for control, such has an eating disorder or OCD.

Thankfully, no matter how impactful the change felt at the time, my so called perspective on “negative” change has shown me that it has a funny way of becoming something that produces happiness. And let me tell you, the change, no ALL the change that has taken place in my life over the past eight months has produced some type of positive aspect in my life.

I could go on and list all the negative aspects of change that are now positive, but I am sure that you do not have time to read a novel, nor do I have time to write one. So instead I want to point out one positive change that was prominent for me this past week.

This week I went on my first three mile run since I was put on exercise restriction well over a year ago. This was huge for me. I was given permission to run three miles a couple weeks ago, however, I did not do it until this week for a couple reasons. One, I have only been able to run with the convenience of a treadmill due to the lack of a running buddy for the trails, buuut I now have one! Score! Two, I wanted my first three mile run to be outside because I absolutely love running outside and lets be honest, running outside is much more fulfilling than running on a treadmill that takes me absolutely nowhere.

So this last Saturday my friend and I hit up the trails. I cannot even describe how amazing it felt to be out there, running, soaking up the beautiful spring sun, and the ever changing scenery. I could go on, but the bottom line is that all throughout those three miles I could not stop thinking about how thankful I am for those never ending days of decreased exercise, or all those times I chose to focus on recovery instead of running a mile because I felt like I “needed” to. Running those three miles was something I wanted to do. I was so darn thankful for recovery.

Needless to say, I cannot wait to run more mileage outside and be able to (hopefully) slowly, but surely, increase my mileage because this past week I definitely fell in love with running all over again.

In terms of the quote above, being able to run more mileage has come through change and growth, and now I am beginning to see my efforts of recovery blooming.

I am thankful for change.

And running. 😉

But It’s Okay.



This past week has been a rather tough week. It’s been one of those weeks that reminds me just how hard recovery is and sustaining it can actually be. I sometimes, okay most of the time, find it hard to admit or accept when I have tougher days, or in this case multiple days. Why? Because I am nowhere near where I used to be, which causes me to sometimes believe that I should not have as many days where I am overtaken by eating disorder thoughts or OCD. But I constantly have to remind myself that those thoughts are simply not true. It’s is okay to have tough days. It is okay to struggle. It is okay to admit that I am extremely anxious. It is okay.

I don’t really know if there will ever come a day where I can honestly say that I have not had one single spark of anxiety. I am not sure there will ever be a time when my OCD has been absent for weeks. I long for the day when my eating disorder does not dwell in any corner of my mind, but I am not sure that day will come.

But one thing I am sure of is the fact that all those things have improved. I don’t live in a constant state of anxiety like I used to. I can function, and that in itself is pretty amazing. My OCD used to be debilitating, causing so much stress and anxiety with every time consuming compulsion that I could not control. But now, there are days where I have no compulsions with few obsessive thoughts. That is amazing too. As for my eating disorder, my mental health has been renewed. Yes, I still struggle on a daily basis with eating disorder thoughts and the occasional habits but my life as a whole is much healthier. My eating disorder no longer controls my life.

I remember just a few months ago when I would have a bad moment, day, or week. Man, needless to say it threw me for a loop. I was so tough on myself, immediately diving into negative thinking. I would feel like I was not doing well, or that all the effort I was putting into trying was erased, when in reality that wasn’t true.

I guess throughout this past week something I was reminded of often was the fact that even though the past week was hard mentally, threw my balance off a bit in terms of how strong I felt in my recovery, and challenged my level of self compassion, I learned. I was reminded that even though I struggled, it’s not forever. Even though I had a breakdown, doesn’t mean I am not strong.

I was reminded that it’s okay to not be winning the race from the very beginning, sometimes you have to pace yourself in order to dig deep and sprint during the times that make you want to walk.

Nothing You Can’t Do.

So I have sat down multiple times to write but you know that awesome thing called writers block? Yeah, well, it has paid me a visit the past few days.

Is there topics I could write about? Feelings? Bad days? Good days?

Yes.

But nothing was flowing. Like right now. I am just rambling.

Anyways…

The past couple days have been a series of “one of those days”. Thoughts have been a little louder and a little more convincing. Not to mention the other day I caught myself giving in to the voice of OCD and since it has been a little harder to stop.

But there are going to be days when it is harder, and I am thankful that recently I can call them “one of those days” instead of how it used to be; all the time.

So today I figured that I should probably take some time to care for myself by doing some therapy work and writing.

As I was doing this I also took some time to reminisce. In doing so, I pulled out my binder that I made for therapy and dietitian papers and projects. I stumbled across some of my old poems that I wrote during the worst of OCD and the eating disorder. Looking back at them and reading them is hard because I begin to remember the feelings and that pain that I felt when writing them. They are real, raw portrayals of what I was feeling.

There was one in particular that I really remember writing. I remember the day, I remember the situation, and I remember my feelings.

Here it is.

It’s like a disease that you don’t see coming.
It creeps into your mind without any warning.
It controls your thoughts and your actions too,
And in the midst of it all, there’s nothing you can do.

Like a broken record, it never is silent.
You can’t turn it off, your thoughts will get violent.
So you give in, it’s the easy way out,
But you’re stuck in a trap. You’re caged by your doubt.

You bury your feelings,
Cause the pains too severe.
But your frustrating is rising,
The breaking points near.

You keep it a secret, for you don’t understand.
Why has this happened?
Is this really Gods plan?

And yet your pain continues, for you can’t just ignore.
The voice in your head, it demands for more.

You wear a mask to hide the pain,
But underneath you live with shame.
The pain, the tears, it’s all too real.
Your reality is flawed, will you ever heal?

You hold back your emotions,
You can’t let them see.
You feel like a burden,
Is this who you are meant to be?

You cover your pain, the real you is hidden.
And when you try to open up, it’s like your forbidden.

All it takes is once.
One time to reveal,
Your emotions, your thoughts,
And the pain that you feel.

And as soon as you do,
You will come to believe
You are perfectly imperfect,
Just who you were made to be.

It’s then that your thought are altered,
Your perspective becomes clear.
And you begin to wonder why,
Why your mind has been clouded all these years.

You accept the fact that perfection isn’t real.
If all was perfect, you wouldn’t have to heal.

You have learned that your dreams have changed,
And your life has too.
And in the midst of it all,
There’s nothing you can’t do.