I never imagined that almost three years ago, a passion of mine had the power to become something unhealthy, unsafe, and dangerous for my health. I never imagined that something that brought me so much joy and freedom could become something that I needed to become free from. I would have never guessed that my love for sports, for running, would become an obsession that was a product of an eating disorder that I was unaware of at the time.
Although my passion for running was not the only cause of my eating disorder, it was definitely played a huge role.
The obsession and need to run more, longer, faster, and harder was a slow progression. Although, looking back on it, it seemed to happen in the blink of an eye.
It was not so much the running at first that accompanied my eating disorder, but another contributing factor. Food. Or should I say lack of. In addition to running multiple miles every day, and then soon after that joining the cross country team and running even more, not to mention soccer practices and games, lets just say I had a heavy workout load. But, that workout load was not accompanied by fueling my body properly, in fact, I barely fed my body at all.
I began to only eat certain foods. I developed fear foods pretty quickly. So quickly I don’t even know how or when it happened, it just happened.
That’s the scary thing. It just happened. It all just happened. I didn’t want it. I didn’t ask for it. But not eating, immersing myself in something I loved, maybe because deep down I knew that no one would question someone who worked hard and was so devoted, especially when that is in my nature. Especially when giving it my all, that’s me.
At this time during my eating disorder I was not particularly concerned with the aspect of body image. I was not too familiar with the thoughts that accompanied it, although I think from the very beginning it was somewhat a factor, but not enough for me to really remember. My main thought process was that if I ate, then I would not perform as well in my race or game because I would be weighed down or too full to play well. This led to a lot of restricting so that I could feel empty.
OCD was also a contributing factor. A few months prior to the beginning of my eating disorder, my OCD was uncontrollable. As time went on I was able to control it a little, but mainly I was just concealing it. Internally I felt like my world was falling apart. I felt weird, abnormal, crazy even. I knew that the OCD rituals that I “had” to do were ridiculous and I did not want to do them at all. But at the time I had not received proper treatment, and so I hid my rituals and I felt miserable.
I would say that my eating disorder was a product of control within the OCD. I mean, I couldn’t control how I felt, my life, OCD or how it affected me daily. But my innate human response told me, not literally, but it responded to the chaos in my life by disordered behavior around food. I could control how much I ate. I could control how much I exercised. I could control what I ate and when. I could control food, but I couldn’t control my world. I had no idea I had an eating disorder, I just wanted a moment free from the anxiety that suffocated me every second of the day.
I believe it was a couple moths or less after the treatment I received for OCD that I was diagnosed with an eating disorder. Oh man. I still remember the day my therapists handed me an article to read about athletes and eating disorders and the conversation that followed between my therapist, and my mom and I. In the moment, I was devastated. I felt broken, confused, and even more flawed than I already felt. In one instance I felt like a weight had been lifted off my shoulders but before I knew it there was an even heavier weight that replace it. I knew that the road ahead of me was going to be one of the roughest and longest roads of my life.
But now when I remember that vivid session in my mind, I am so incredibly thankful. That day could have very well saved my life. I am thankful my therapist gave me that article, and I am thankful she informed me, educated me, and has helped me every single step of the way.
My eating disorder has definitely changed throughout its cycle. At different times it has changed and developed. Sometimes it was really bad and other times it was not as prevalent. Fear foods changed over time and the amount of food, and my safe foods changed every once in a while.
But skipping ahead a little because it is hard to summarize everything that happened…Over the summer I was referred to a dietitian.
From that point on, true eating disorder recovery began. I mean, I was recovering before by doing a lot of mental work and preparing for the next steps. But the day I started seeing her the weight gain process began.
My dietitian has taught me so much about food, health, and my body. She, along with my therapist, have both played a huge role in my recovery process and I am so thankful for their support and their knowledge.
Since then I have returned to a healthy weight. My mindset is healthier. My hair is thicker. My clothes fit and my eating disorder clothes are long gone. My skin is healthier. My period is normalizing. Exercise is no longer an addiction or obsessive coping skill. My list of fear foods is diminishing. I can go out to a restaurant to eat. The scale no longer determines how little I eat. My life is healthier. I am happier.
Just like I had no idea I would get OCD,
I HAD NO IDEA that I would get an eating disorder.
But now I know.
And you know what else I know?
Recovery, no matter how ugly it gets. No matter how hard and physically, emotionally, and mentally painful it is, it is worth it. In the end, it will be beautiful.
athlete_recovering 