Hey there! Alright so please bear with me as this is my first vlog post and I had no direct topic in mind.
Basically I just wanted to make an introduction vlog because I hope to do more structured ones in the near future.
I would love feedback from you guys. If there are any topics you want me to speak on then feel free to let me know.
I hope to connect more with you all!
You can contact me also by email: athleterecovering@gmail.com
Hope you enjoy!
The day I found out my weight it had been exactly seven months and three weeks since I had seen the number. And the funny thing is, I was not supposed to find out that day, in fact, I didn’t even want to. I didn’t wake up prepared to know the number that the scale has read for about a few months now. A number that I had never been. A number that I didn’t really care about anymore because it no longer defines me. I was not mentally or emotionally prepared to know, but I found out and now I know and you know what? I’m okay with it.
The day I found out was the day I gave blood. I was hoping that the topic of weight would be avoided. Part of me hoped that they would assume that I weighed enough to give blood while the eating disorder part of me decided that would be a terrible assumption on their part because that would mean that I weighed too much. However, that thought came and went pretty quickly because I did not give it any power so I went with the punches. It seemed pretty promising at first, I had accomplished three fourths of the paper work, gotten my iron tested and my blood pressure taken. Everything was going along well and I was feeling pretty confident that the weight question would not appear. But then the nurse asked me, “so do you know how much you weigh?”
My heart sink for a minute because I knew what was coming. I replied that I didn’t, because I was not supposed to know at the moment. He then asked me if it would be okay if he weighed me without me looking and of course I said yes…what else was I supposed to say?
So he weighed me, in front of people which I surprisingly did not mind. But it was way different than my dietitian weighing me, probably because I am used to that by now.
So that happened and he recorded it on the paperwork. I wasn’t sure what I was feeling. It was probably a mixture between self conscious,embarrassed, and anxious. Honestly though, I was just more concerned with the fact that I did not want to see my weight and so I did my best to not look at the scale or the paper.
As he was looking over the rest of my paperwork he asked what I assumed was coming, “so why are you not supposed to know your weight?”
I am not really sure why I answered his question with a question, it just sorta came out, but first I asked him if he really wanted to know. And after he shook his head yes I replied with the truth and told him it was because I was recovering from an eating disorder.
I am not sure what he said after that, probably because I could only focus on how flushed my face and whole body had become because of the whole situation, but he commended me and told me I looked very healthy. Now, a few months ago that would have been one of the worst things to say to me. Why? Because immediately my eating disorder would have taken it as I look bigger, fat, and who knows what else. But this time it only caused a twinge of uncomfortableness in my chest and a forced thank you. But in the end, it didn’t really bug me at all.
He then handed my my paperwork and told me to look over it to make sure that it was all correct. By this time, the weight scenario was not at the forefront of my mind so I began scanning the paper for errors. Soon enough my eyes scanned over my weight…for the first time in seven months I knew my weight.
I know for a fact that if I had found out a few months back when I finished increasing my internal and external response to seeing the number would have been, well, probably would have ended in tears to say the least. But when I saw the number for the first time in a while I felt a little defeated, but at the same time I felt shocked. Oh, and not to mention the fact that I was irritated because I thought a blind weight would be more clear in the fact that just because I didn’t look when you weighed me does not mean I can’t see it on the paper…can I get an amen? ha.
But anyways.
I was shocked because if I could have guessed my weight, I probably would have guessed lower. With the redistribution process going well and just based on how my body feels I would have aimed for a lower number than what I read. My initial reaction in my head was something along the lines of oh my gosh I gained that much! But then the rational side of me was like wow you would have never guessed that, you feel amazing, and you are perfectly healthy and at a perfect weight range.
I would be lying if I said that finding out my weight without being prepared did rock me a little, because it did. But it was nothing compared to what it could have been a few months ago. It only bugged me for a little bit the rest of the day, and it didn’t lead me to restrict or go into any disordered behavior.
I have come to accept that it’s okay to know, it’s okay to be my weight, it’s okay to be healthy. Now I know, and there’s nothing I can do about it except for move forward in recovery just like I was before. And to be honestly that is all I want to do. Because the number on the scale does not hold power like it used to.
I am healthy and the number does not define me.
These two pictures are nearly two years apart. Looking at the picture now, it is hard to comprehend how I did not see myself as underweight, unhealthy, and sick. Looking at it now, that is all I see. But I also see the girl who was confused, hurt, and trying to manage everything that was happening in her life. Honestly she was just trying to survive, but sadly, she was doing the exact opposite.
Just a few moths ago, as I started recovery, I hated the person I used to be in the first picture. I hated the fact that I had let myself constantly torture my body, suppress my feelings, and let myself get so deep. I hated that I needed help and I couldn’t just “get over it”, change my habits, and eat. I hated the fact that I had to gain weight and I hated the way food felt inside of me. I hated the process. But now, looking back on the person who I was before I starting recovery, during the hardest part of recovery, and now still in recovery, I can honestly say that I am so thankful. In saying that, if I could go back and not develop an eating disorder then absolutely that would be the more preferred option. But since that is not the case, I have chosen to embrace my past and be thankful for it.
Why?
Because without it, without going through OCD and having an eating disorder. Without having to overcome something that I must battle every single day of my life. Without learning how to cope when I feel like I am going to have a panic attack or when the mean voices are so prominent that I cant focus on what I am doing. Without learning how to love myself for who I am and how to show compassion on myself because I deserve to. Without learning how to feel the fear and all the other emotions that I still have trouble expressing out loud. Without having to push myself, sit with the anxiety, and retrain my brain. Without having to force feed my body so that I could heal my body, gain weight but also gain my life back. Without therapy, which I hated at first but now I am so thankful for. Without being the person who I was, used to be, hated. Without being that person, I would not be the person I am today.
I wouldn’t know that I loved to learn about how OCD works in the brain or how nutrition through food can heal your body. I wouldn’t know that I have a huge passion for helping other people who have experienced similar situations. I wouldn’t know that I could overcome anything. I wouldn’t know that I would someday be an advocate for something that is so rarely talked about, yet hinders so many lives.
So instead of wishing I was never that girl, I am thankful that I used to be, but also thankful that I am no longer in that stage of my life. I am thankful for then because of the blessings, knowledge, and lessons I have learned. I am thankful for who I am now.
I never imagined that almost three years ago, a passion of mine had the power to become something unhealthy, unsafe, and dangerous for my health. I never imagined that something that brought me so much joy and freedom could become something that I needed to become free from. I would have never guessed that my love for sports, for running, would become an obsession that was a product of an eating disorder that I was unaware of at the time.
Although my passion for running was not the only cause of my eating disorder, it was definitely played a huge role.
The obsession and need to run more, longer, faster, and harder was a slow progression. Although, looking back on it, it seemed to happen in the blink of an eye.
It was not so much the running at first that accompanied my eating disorder, but another contributing factor. Food. Or should I say lack of. In addition to running multiple miles every day, and then soon after that joining the cross country team and running even more, not to mention soccer practices and games, lets just say I had a heavy workout load. But, that workout load was not accompanied by fueling my body properly, in fact, I barely fed my body at all.
I began to only eat certain foods. I developed fear foods pretty quickly. So quickly I don’t even know how or when it happened, it just happened.
That’s the scary thing. It just happened. It all just happened. I didn’t want it. I didn’t ask for it. But not eating, immersing myself in something I loved, maybe because deep down I knew that no one would question someone who worked hard and was so devoted, especially when that is in my nature. Especially when giving it my all, that’s me.
At this time during my eating disorder I was not particularly concerned with the aspect of body image. I was not too familiar with the thoughts that accompanied it, although I think from the very beginning it was somewhat a factor, but not enough for me to really remember. My main thought process was that if I ate, then I would not perform as well in my race or game because I would be weighed down or too full to play well. This led to a lot of restricting so that I could feel empty.
OCD was also a contributing factor. A few months prior to the beginning of my eating disorder, my OCD was uncontrollable. As time went on I was able to control it a little, but mainly I was just concealing it. Internally I felt like my world was falling apart. I felt weird, abnormal, crazy even. I knew that the OCD rituals that I “had” to do were ridiculous and I did not want to do them at all. But at the time I had not received proper treatment, and so I hid my rituals and I felt miserable.
I would say that my eating disorder was a product of control within the OCD. I mean, I couldn’t control how I felt, my life, OCD or how it affected me daily. But my innate human response told me, not literally, but it responded to the chaos in my life by disordered behavior around food. I could control how much I ate. I could control how much I exercised. I could control what I ate and when. I could control food, but I couldn’t control my world. I had no idea I had an eating disorder, I just wanted a moment free from the anxiety that suffocated me every second of the day.
I believe it was a couple moths or less after the treatment I received for OCD that I was diagnosed with an eating disorder. Oh man. I still remember the day my therapists handed me an article to read about athletes and eating disorders and the conversation that followed between my therapist, and my mom and I. In the moment, I was devastated. I felt broken, confused, and even more flawed than I already felt. In one instance I felt like a weight had been lifted off my shoulders but before I knew it there was an even heavier weight that replace it. I knew that the road ahead of me was going to be one of the roughest and longest roads of my life.
But now when I remember that vivid session in my mind, I am so incredibly thankful. That day could have very well saved my life. I am thankful my therapist gave me that article, and I am thankful she informed me, educated me, and has helped me every single step of the way.
My eating disorder has definitely changed throughout its cycle. At different times it has changed and developed. Sometimes it was really bad and other times it was not as prevalent. Fear foods changed over time and the amount of food, and my safe foods changed every once in a while.
But skipping ahead a little because it is hard to summarize everything that happened…Over the summer I was referred to a dietitian.
From that point on, true eating disorder recovery began. I mean, I was recovering before by doing a lot of mental work and preparing for the next steps. But the day I started seeing her the weight gain process began.
My dietitian has taught me so much about food, health, and my body. She, along with my therapist, have both played a huge role in my recovery process and I am so thankful for their support and their knowledge.
Since then I have returned to a healthy weight. My mindset is healthier. My hair is thicker. My clothes fit and my eating disorder clothes are long gone. My skin is healthier. My period is normalizing. Exercise is no longer an addiction or obsessive coping skill. My list of fear foods is diminishing. I can go out to a restaurant to eat. The scale no longer determines how little I eat. My life is healthier. I am happier.
Just like I had no idea I would get OCD,
I HAD NO IDEA that I would get an eating disorder.
But now I know.
And you know what else I know?
Recovery, no matter how ugly it gets. No matter how hard and physically, emotionally, and mentally painful it is, it is worth it. In the end, it will be beautiful.
Life lately has been good. Of course there are things that I would prefer to change, but instead I choose to just be thankful. And quite honestly, I am thankful!
I have been doing a lot of contemplating the last week or so since my last therapy appointment. We reminisced a little on the past about how much has changed over the past year. And let me tell you…SO MUCH HAS CHANGED. Quite frankly, it is almost hard to believe. Looking back on the past year, let alone the past six months I am amazed. It all happened so fast, but if you were to ask me how it felt in the moment I would have told you that recovery, life, and time were moving slower than a stalled car on the freeway. So yes, basically I felt like I was not moving at all. Life was stagnant.
Sometimes when I think about how much has changed it can become overwhelming. For one, recovery since finding the right dietitian for me sped up so quickly and has been the root of most of the change the past six months. I am very glad that the past month or so has been slower in the process. I have finally had some time to catch my breath.
School has changed. I am now in my second semester of college already.
Friendships have changed, some have become better and some have faded away. Throughout some friendship challenges I have learned a lot about myself and about relationships in general. You know what they say, some come into your life for a season but its always for a reason. And now that I think about it, I don’t know who I have included in the “they” who have said that because I may or may not have just whipped that one out right off the top of my head. But hey, it works so I am just going to go with it.
The other day I realized I have been working my first job for almost nine months now. When I realized how long it had been the other day I was shocked! Time really does fly!
My body has changed. Some days it is easy for me to accept while other days I am looking through eating disorder lenses that I struggle to be able to take off. My body is faaaaar from perfect and it is still going through the redistribution process which is frustrating at times. But I am learning to trust my body convince my mind that is can trust my body.
My mind has changed, and is still changing and I am constantly working on improving my mental state. But looking back, my thoughts are so much different then how they used to be. And I say that thankfully, because my mind used to be torture and there are days when it comes close but with time and everything I have learned my mental state is much healthier than it used to be.
Food has changed. So much has changed when it comes to food. I am pretty sure that around this time last year I was living off of a specific cereal which I have no plans of ever eating again, fruit, and protein bars and protein shakes. Wow. I am glad that is no longer the case.
There are so many more things that have changed but at the moment I cant thing of them all. In fact, there are probably way too many to even write out. But one thing that I stands out for me is that along with how much has changed, my perspective on change has changed. Change can be a wonderful thing, and although it can be overwhelming at times, it is often necessary in becoming who I am meant to be.
So the other day I received a comment on one of my post from an amazing young lady named Carly, whom you can find at https://carlyjeancongilosi.wordpress.com/
Carly told me about a project she is working on and partnering with another amazing girl named Ellen, whom you can find at https://ellensocdblog.wordpress.com/
Ellen first created another project where she collaborated with others who have OCD in hopes to spread awareness for the stigma that surround the disorder. She made an amazing video which proves that those, like me, who suffer with OCD are not alone. If you would like to watch the video, you can do so here: https://ellensocdblog.wordpress.com/2014/08/11/behindtheocd-video/
The comment on my blog completely made my day. Not to mention I was extremely excited to be able to participate in making OCD, eating disorders, and all mental illnesses better understood. Reducing the stigma that surrounds not only he disorders that I struggle with, but also every single disorder that others struggle with is one of my biggest passions. If I could make just the slightest difference in one persons way of viewing those like me with a mental illness, well, that would be amazing. However, my dream is much bigger than that. But, however God wants to use me, even if that just involves one person, I am happy.
With that said, I jumped at the opportunity to be involved in spreading awareness.
• • • • • •
I am not my diagnosis.
You are not your diagnosis.
There is s o much more to me, to you, than just a label. You are not OCD. You are not an eating disorder. You are not depression. You are not anxiety. You are not any disorder. You are you. You are who God made you to be.
I am honored to be a part of this project. I used to look at myself in the mirror and see only my diagnosis. I used to see OCD and an eating disorder staring back at me. The real me was clouded by the things that I hated living with day-to-day. I felt as if I had become those things, and that I would never be who I was meant to be. But throughout recovery, the mirror is no longer foggy. I have learned that I can wipe the fog away, slowly accepting who I am, acknowledging that I have OCD and an eating disorder, yet they are NOT who I am.
So I guess you could say that I am very excited to submit my photo and help in spreading awareness for OCD and eating disorders, as well as all mental illnesses. We all deserve to be understood, make a difference, and be who we are no matter what labels we are given. Because when it all comes down to it, no disorder has the power to define us. WE are so much more than a title, label, or disorder. YOU are beautifully you. Don’t forget it. 🙂
This is the photo I am going to submit. I cannot wait to see the video that will include many others who are sharing their story and who they really are.
#MoreThanMyDiagnosis
I am sure Ellen and Carly would love to have you join. No matter what mental illness you are diagnosed with, you can be a part of making a difference. Submit your photo holding a sign that says who you are and use the hashtag #MoreThanMyDiagnosis. Photos can be submitted to Ellen at ellensocdblog@hotmail.com or you can tweet@Ellen_White_ on Twitter. Photos can also be submitted by email to myself at octakesontheworld@gmail.com or @Carly.Congilosi on Twitter.
Song Of Solomon 4:7 You are altogether beautiful my darling; there is no flaw in you.
I still remember the first day that I felt “normal”. Whatever that means right?
Okay well for me, normal means that I felt more like myself. I was able to be almost completely in the moment for about an hour. I remember it very clearly and I remember the feeling I had afterwards. I felt a renewed sense of hope and I knew that there was going to come a point in recovery where not only one day would feel normal, but every single day I would feel normal.
That day was in August. After work one day my brother and I ended up having a water fight which turned into swimming and flips into the pool.
Sorry for the blurry pictures.
They are from a video.
But after this day, it took some time for another “normal” moment to take place. But gradually I began to experience more and more moments in which I felt happy. Moments where I realized how much joy and excitement had been missing from my life. I began to realize how withdrawn I was. I began to see the old Cannessa shining through a new me. I began to feel like myself again, but ten times better.
The best things about those moments are that I am not my eating disorder, OCD, or anxiety. I am me.
Lately, those moments no longer need to be labeled with any quotations. They have become so frequent and free flowing that I hardly stop and notice them. I guess they are just normal now.
This leads me to yesterday. Yesterday was one of those moments, but one that I really recognized.
Yesterday night my family and I decided to go to dinner and so some spontaneous shopping. Now, you have to understand that my brothers…
I think this picture says it all.
Well, lets just say that my brothers are one of a kind. They are definitely crazy and fun and somehow they never cease to make shopping an unforgettable and hysterical experience.
First we went to dinner where we had some pretty good tacos. Whyyy yes I did kick my eating disorders butt and order tacos. Fear foods are meant to be conquered. And lets face it, tacos are delicious.
Next, we ended up going to a couple of stores including Target. Honestly, I am not sure what it is about that place, but every single time we shop together as a family at target, strange and funny memories are made.
If you don’t believe me, here is proof.
What can I say? I love ’em.
So in the midst of all the craziness and laughs, my littlest brother asked for a hug and as I hugged him my abnormally tall younger brother joined in.
Group hug filled with love.
So I guess you could say our target trips are pretty great.
But wait, there’s more. To wrap up our adventures we thought the the least smart thing to do was to get frozen yogurt on a freezing cold winter night.
And guess who had her first bowl of frozen yogurt in who knows how long?
MEEEEEEEE!
I know, I even shocked myself.
A few months ago I would have never, ever eaten frozen yogurt on a whim Especially after multiple Christmas dinners throughout the week and having dinner just a couple hours before which consisted of a fear food.
But I am no longer the same person I was five months ago. I am stronger, more adventurous, and becoming the truest version of me. And you know what? I could guarantee that I did not gain weight overnight. I did not blow up from all the holiday food. The eating disorder lies. Trust me, my eating disorder made me believe some pretty ridiculous things, and none of them are true. The only way to fully believe that the lies are not true does not come from someone telling you until you believe it, it comes from you, challenging the stupid beliefs and proving them false.
So I dare you. Go have a fear food. Go eat those christmas leftovers that your eating disorder forbids. Go out and challenge your fears. I promise it is worth it. Scary? Yes. But oh so rewarding when you look back and can see how far you have come and how far you can go.
Sooo Merry belated Christmas since it is the night after Christmas now. I truly hope it was a great one. 🙂
In case you were wondering, yes that is my families tree and yes we do have quite the ornament collection. So much so that I now call it the leaning tree of ornaments. But despite the fact that the angel could possibly topple over any minute, each ornament has a story and a special place on a tree branch so do we never have the heart to decrease our collection.
Okay, back to the point. Yesterday was the last family Christmas function of the season. My family and I hosted and were joined by family and friends. It was a pretty laid back day with multiple cooks in the kitchen, a fully house, and lots of leftovers.
Dinner resembled a traditional holiday meal with turkey, stuffing, potatoes, bread, green bean casserole and a vegetable dish. Contrary to previous years, this meal did not cause very much anxiety. I actually enjoyed it this year, in fact, I have enjoyed every holiday meal this year.
I am sorta in shock over how cool, calm, and collected I have been with the holidays meals the past week. I have dealt with them all much better than I ever thought I would be able to. I laughed, smiled, and ate with family and friends, and you know what? I would say that I almost felt normal.
Did I have anxiety? Yep. It hit me a little after all of the meals that I have eaten throughout the week. But did I manage? Yep, for sure.
I am still a little shocked at how far I have come. Almost six months ago I had just started increasing and beginning the weight gain mode with my dietitian. And now, here I am healthy, happy, and beating my eating disorder and anxiety a little more everyday.
Well, there you have it. Finally, a Christmas that I will remember and want to remember.
My first Christmas in recovery.
Merry Christmas! And Thank you Jesus for your Son.
2 Corinthians 9:15 Thanks be unto God for his unspeakable gift.
Merry Christmas Eve!
Is it just me or does it not really feel like Christmas?
Anyways. Today has been a looooong day. I worked from 10am to 7pm and I have come to the conclusion that the word is full of last minute shoppers.
But after my crazy shift, which was actually rewarding and nice to help make others in perfecting their Christmas, I went straight to my second family Christmas.
Brothers and cousins.
This was my second night of food that in the past was always a terrible anxiety provoking event. The memories from the past few Christmas seasons are definitely not pleasant. But tonight, my anxiety was maybe a two, when least year it was definitely a ten. Big difference, right?
So every Christmas Eve the tradition is set in stone. Grandparents house and meat fondue. Oh and my moms favorite Christmas tradition of twice baked potatoes.
From the small memory I have of last years dinner I remember being extremely anxious. Pretty much everything at the table was a fear food. The immersion of meat in oil was practically an eating disorder sin, while everything else broke a rule that my eating disorder had put in place.
But this year was different. My eating disorder did not make the rules. I did. I trusted my body, knowing that whatever I ate and no matter how different it was to my normal eating habits, it was just food. Thanks to my dietitian, I was given a whole new perspective this week on food in general. She was telling me how the eating disorder gives the food power when it is not meant to have that power.
So that is exactly what I did. I took away the foods power. I ate, listened to my body, and most importantly I trust my body.
Its amazing how much less anxiety I have had the past couple days compared to last year and the years before. In fact, it is amazing how much less anxiety I have compared to Thanksgiving this year.
So to wrap up(no pun intended) 😉 I just want to say one thing. Recovery is an ongoing process. Some days are better than others. Holidays used to be harder, and although they are still hard, it is different. It is hard because I am dealing with the anxiety, I am eating, I am beating the disorder and winning.
Progress is not perfection, but it feels pretty great.
Merry Christmas Eve!
not really…
Thanksgiving has come and gone. Is it just me, or did November absolutely fly by? Before we know it, Christmas will be here, and if you are like my family, Christmas arrived two days prior to Thanksgiving in the form of lights being hung on the roof. But I love this cheerful season, even more so this year because I know that I will experience more enjoyment than I have the past few years.
Aright so, I thought it would be nice to do a little thanksgiving recap. Although I was not very consistent with taking photos.
I started the day by hanging with my family. We slept in and had a rather lazy morning which consisted of opening presents since it was also my birthday. Whaaat? Birthday on Thanksgiving? Yep.
Then my boyfriend, Shane, came over and hung out until we both had to go to our family Thanksgivings. He was super sweet and surprised me with flowers and a beautiful gift. 🙂
Thanksgiving…food, food, food. Holidays are encompassed around food, which is still very hard. But this year I took some big steps and I actually ate a normal dinner, and I had a little bit of every dish to prove to my eating disorder that I was going to kick its wimpy little butt. And guess what, I enjoyed the food…until after when my stomach gladly reminded me that it still has major issues digesting. But besides that, I did it. I ate a normal amount on Thanksgiving and I did not restrict.
Having it be my birthday the same day was hard. In fact, very early on the morning of my birthday, around midnight I had a slight breakdown because of it. I felt great minutes prior and then BAM, every stupid thought and feeling bombarded me and the floodgates opened and I was overwhelmed. It was really stressing me out that my birthday and Thanksgiving were on the same day. Why? Because it brought double the memories of unpleasant holidays and birthdays that were encompassed by eating disorder and OCD thoughts, and I was afraid that this Thanksgiving would be just like the previous. But I talked it out with my mom and went to bed and woke up refreshed and ready to enjoy the day, and I did.
And then there was the battle in my brain about dessert. I did not have a birthday cake or any other specific dessert because I am not a huge fan of cake, or many sweets in general. (not an eating disorder thing, it’s a Cannessa thing). Buuuuuut, I decided that I would give a piece of pie a try, and plus everyone seemed to be adamant about blowing out candles and singing happy birthday. So yes, I had a piece of pumpkin pie despite the incredibly loud thoughts. DID I really want to eat it all? No, but I did because I had to shut them up and that was the only way to show them who is boss. My anxiety level afterwards was probably a seven or eight, and I felt absolutely disgusting. But I did it, and guess what, my body did not blow up overnight.
I would have to say that this Thanksgiving was definitely an eating disorder win and the first holiday that I will actually remember now that my brain is healthy, as well as my body.
Many other activities have also taken place. And lots of fear foods have been eaten which I have definitely had some anxiety because of. They have consisted of Thanksgiving dinner and dessert, Chinese food, a burrito with chicken, rice, and beans from a restaurant, and a few others. But, despite the fact that I still get anxiety when eating fear foods, the amount of anxiety that I do get now is so much less than I used to. In fact, there are some times when I rarely have any anxiety surrounding it at all. For example, I have had pasta a few times the past two weeks, and the last time I had little to no anxiety. I was actually really surprised because that has been a fear food that I could not get rid of for what seemed like forever. But, as long as I keep challenging it, I know that I can make it food that has no fear accompanied with it.
fear food being conquered.
I think it is pretty accurate to say that this past week has been good. Thanksgiving was tough, but it was a different type of anxiety than I have had in previous years. This time I was anxious because I was facing fears, when previously I was anxious because those fears were all that I could see, hear, and feel. It’s definitely a good different.
And just for fun, enjoy this cheesy picture of my of my younger brother and I on our way home from being with family the other night. We had a pretty fun time in the car together. Moments like those that night make me even more grateful for recovery. I can have fun now, interact with my crazy brothers and be myself. It feels absolutely amazing to laugh and connect with my brothers fully again.
I am thankful. Thankful for every single person in my life. Thankful for where I am at in my recovery. Thankful for life.
athlete_recovering 