Genuinely.

Is it just me or is this year flying by already?

Yes? Well, I am glad we agree.

Lately life has been pretty relaxed. With school still on winter break before the next semester starts, I have had a little bit more time on my hands outside of work. Which, let me tell you, has been very nice. But at the same time I am missing college. Just a little.

Now that the holidays are over, my anxiety has decreased and I feel better. Although my anxiety was not too bad, it was worse that it had been for a couple of months and I did not feel quite as normal, so I am glad for a break.

Since the new year has begun, I have done a lot of contemplating and comparing. But good comparisons! I have been thinking about how much has changed over the course of this past year. I still can’t get over it, and I am not sure it will ever fully seem real to me. So much changed, so much growth took place, and I learned so much. Although more than half of the year was probably the worst time of my life, I would not change a single thing. The difference, the rewards in life, and the feelings I can now feel were worth everything. Every tough day was worth the feelings of real recovery. My life now, and what it will be when I am out of the dark completely, will only be possible because of recovery. Recovery is a scary, but beautiful thing.

And you know one good thing about recovery?

You can actually have fun! Genuine fun!

For example, the other night my family and I went to Winter Wonderland.

Okay. I know what you are thinking.

Why did you go to a light and Christmas themed event after New Years?

Well, because we are cool like that. But also because we did not get tickets until after Christmas…

But nonetheless it was fun. Oh and not to mention freezing!

He is weird…I am not sure we are related.

So, as you can see, it is practically impossible to take a normal picture. But normal is not really a word that has ever been used to describe us. 😉

Despite the fact that practically my whole body was frozen by the time we left, it was fun. Lots of laughter, weirdness, and smiles. I am pretty sure the pictures explain it all.

Sometimes I wonder something, which I have no right to be wondering, but sometimes I cant help it. I wonder why I did not choose recovery sooner? My life could have exhibited all these smiles and laughs many, many months ago. But I calmly remind myself that I simply was not ready. I had to come to the conclusion that I needed help. I had to want it. And once I admitted that and took action, my life turned upside down, but somewhere along that path I have come back to the right side up.

I can genuinely smile. I can genuinely laugh. I can genuinely have a good time.

Life is becoming genuine again.

I am genuine again.

Christmas Day.

Sooo Merry belated Christmas since it is the night after Christmas now. I truly hope it was a great one. 🙂

In case you were wondering, yes that is my families tree and yes we do have quite the ornament collection. So much so that I now call it the leaning tree of ornaments. But despite the fact that the angel could possibly topple over any minute, each ornament has a story and a special place on a tree branch so do we never have the heart to decrease our collection.

Okay, back to the point. Yesterday was the last family Christmas function of the season. My family and I hosted and were joined by family and friends. It was a pretty laid back day with multiple cooks in the kitchen, a fully house, and lots of leftovers.

Dinner resembled a traditional holiday meal with turkey, stuffing, potatoes, bread, green bean casserole and a vegetable dish. Contrary to previous years, this meal did not cause very much anxiety. I actually enjoyed it this year, in fact, I have enjoyed every holiday meal this year.

I am sorta in shock over how cool, calm, and collected I have been with the holidays meals the past week. I have dealt with them all much better than I ever thought I would be able to. I laughed, smiled, and ate with family and friends, and you know what? I would say that I almost felt normal.

Did I have anxiety? Yep. It hit me a little after all of the meals that I have eaten throughout the week. But did I manage? Yep, for sure.

I am still a little shocked at how far I have come. Almost six months ago I had just started increasing and beginning the weight gain mode with my dietitian. And now, here I am healthy, happy, and beating my eating disorder and anxiety a little more everyday.

Well, there you have it. Finally, a Christmas that I will remember and want to remember.

My first Christmas in recovery.

Merry Christmas! And Thank you Jesus for your Son.

2 Corinthians 9:15 Thanks be unto God for his unspeakable gift.

Embrace The Change.

Although not everyday is great in terms of recovery, everyday is a learning experience. A day for me to grow into who I am becoming as I slowly start to separate who I was and who I became as I was entrenched in an eating disorder. It is truly amazing to see who I was when I look back nearly six months ago. When I see pictures I cringe at what I now see when back then I only saw what I wanted to believe. I cannot believe how far I have come. And the craziest thing about recovery is that once you have gotten past the hardest part of meal plans and weight gain, you realize that the way you felt and the restrictive life you were living was not how you are supposed to live. I was not supposed to feel like I was hit by a truck everyday. Trust me, I did not even realize I felt that way until I no loner felt that way. I was not supposed to feel weak from lack of nutrition and I was not supposed to be cold in layers and layers of clothes.  I was not supposed to fear food. I was not supposed to wear clothes that are meant to fit girls three years younger than me. I am not meant to live my life day in and day out dreading the next meal, or what I might have to eat for dinner.

When I first began to notice the weight gain in the beginning of my recovery, looking at old pictures of myself at a lower weight was always a trigger. But now, I look back at those pictures and find strength. At one time, I thought and believed that I looked better at a lower weight. But I realize now that I looked unhealthy, lifeless, and sick. My eyes were sunk in, my bones protruded too far, and I looked worn and tired constantly.

One of the places that I have struggled with weight gain is my face. About three months into the weight gain process I had become extremely self-conscious about it. Often times I thought that it was very noticeable and that immediately people would think that I had gained weight, or in extreme thoughts, “gotten fat”.

It was not until a couple of weeks ago, when I finally voiced my concerns to my therapist, that I began to release any anxiety I had towards looking “different” than before when it came to my face. I am not sure why, but the simple act of mentioning it and admitting that I was struggling with that piece of body image made it easier to accept and embrace.

Is my face fuller? Yes. But is that a good thing? Yes.

And you know what one of the best things about recovery is?

No? Well, let me tell you.

One of the best and most rewarding things is when you finally begin to relinquish control of what you can’t change, what you can’t create to be perfect and precise, and what you can’t have. I don’t miss my depleted cheeks and sunken eyes anymore. I can’t change the way God made me, but the good thing is, I don’t want to.

Memory To Emotion.

I am not sure what is worse: feeling present emtions or past emotions.

Lately, remembering seems to be an everyday occurrence. Memories of what my life used to be like, how I used to feel, and emotions that I buried in the attempt to never have them revealed have not only revealed themselves, but have also become more real.

During the worst of my OCD, as well as in the midst of my eating disorder, burying feelings was a habit. Hiding my pain was something I did on a daily basis, not only from others but also myself. It was a way of coping, a way to not allow what I knew would make me break to shatter me to pieces. A way for me to deny what was happening inside me because it was all too real. I figured that if I did not fully acknowledge all that was slowly drowning me then it was nt really happening.

During the midst of my OCD and eating disorder I was not very in tune with my emotions. Especially during my eating disorder I constantly fooled myself into thinking that I was fine as I shoved my emotion back down my throat. I didn’t want to feel. I didn’t want to feel because it was painful, and it made the situation more real. I didn’t want to feel the pain of restricting. I didn’t want to experience the frustration and anger towards something at the time I did not know how to stop. I didn’t want to stop to feel the overwhelming anxiety that I had on a daily basis that often made it hard to breathe. I did not want to feel the fear that gripped so tightly around me day in and day out. All the emotions, although I thought I was burying them never to see them again, have reappeared and this time I can’t deny it.

But this time it is different. I don’t want to deny them.

It s been happening a lot lately. I am constantly remembering situations and times where I had such intense emotions that I buried, thinking I would never feel them. But as I recall the memory and dwell on it, the emotion is overwhelming and almost harder now then it was then to feel it.

On one end of the spectrum, I am thankful for the memories and the new opportunity to feel and experience the emotions. But then on the other end of the spectrum, it is a part of recovery that I was not expecting and one that is definitely hard to cope with. It is mind blowing how the recovery process works. I never thought that almost five months into recovery that I would have memories of terrible moments and horrible days, accompanied with such intense moments that I thought I would never have to feel.

One thing that is different then before is something that is becoming an increasingly important theme throughout my recovery: acceptance. Now,  I am able to accept the emotions, feel them, and let them go. I am no longer stuffing them away hoping they wont resurface yet again a second time, but I am consciously aware of how they affect me and why. Accepting them by no means makes them any easier to feel, but it changes my perspective. It changes how I feel about my feelings.

Of course I wish that I did not have to experience a second time the pain that I went through. But this time, it is important to acknowledge every emotion, without judging and with radical acceptance.

That Overwhelming Feeling.

This week I have had two therapy sessions. Honestly, I would love to have twenty three therapy sessions a week. But lets be realistic…Anyways, this week my therapist and I tackled something new. Something which I thought I was ready for, until I was on my way home from my appointment yesterday. Seriously, could my anxiety be any less cooperative? Is it too much to ask for it to attack me when I am actually in a session? On my way home my eating disorder decided to attack me, and attack me it did. As a result my anxiety skyrocketed and I became increasingly overwhelmed.

This week we reviewed how we were on track when it comes to recovery. We have been acknowledging all the steps I need to take including the ones I have been taking for the past few months. But my therapist pointed out that there was one main aspect of my recovery plan was missing; a relapse prevention plan.

A relapse prevention plan is a great idea. I think that it is a good step to take, one that is needed and definitely helpful. But if you were to ask me what my eating disorder thought about that great idea, well, it does not think it is such a great idea. In fact, it made that point very clear yesterday.

I was driving home when the realization hit me. I was hit with such an intense and overwhelming feeling. Literally every emotion that I have suppressed throughout the week flooded to the surface. Let me just take a moment to thank God for the invention of sunglasses because those things are life savers, because no one could see the tears while I was in the car. But as I drove home I let the tears fall because I felt hopeless and defeated.

But why?

I am thrilled to be setting up a relapse prevention plan, especially because I have been struggling lately. But my eating disorder came swooping in with its lies and crap to save the day. But what it has not caught on to is the fact that I don’t want to be saved by it anymore. I want to be saved from it, not by it.

When the overwhelming anxiety came over me, I immediately knew why.

Control.

Or rather lack of control.

My eating disorder told me I was losing control.

Setting up a relapse prevention plan is cutting off one more bit of control that the eating disorder tells me I need. It cuts off that one string that makes me feel in control. Setting up this plan takes away the comfort, the piece of comfort that I am still holding on to so tightly. The comfort that I can always go back even though I definitely don’t want to.

The most important thing that I need to remember is that I am not losing control, in fact, I am gaining control. I was not in control with my eating disorder, it was in control of me and now I am gaining that control back. It is ridiculous the amount of times I have had to repeat that to myself since after therapy yesterday. But I will keep telling myself that because it is true.

So guess what eating disorder, who is the one in control now?

I am not going to lie, I am struggling. The thoughts are still ruminating in my mind and the anxiety is still lingering in my chest. But I know that setting up a relapse prevention plan is the next step. A step that is necessary.

Mental Illness Awareness Week ≡ October 5-11th.

Why do I wear green and purple? Green supports Mental Illness Awareness and Purple support Eating Disorder Awareness. 🙂

This week is a very significant week. Why? Well based on he title I am sure you can guess, but let me tell you.

This week, from the 5th to the 11th of October is Mental Illness Awareness Week. In fact, yesterday was The National Day of Prayer for Mental Illness Recovery and Understanding. I personally thought that was pretty cool and significant.

Today we live in a world that has created a stigma around mental health. Its actually quite sad. The world around us is so uneducated and so naive when it comes to mental health. But why is that?

Mental Health and the disorders that accompany it are perceived as bad and therefore are given a bad reputation. May people, if never having experienced or witnessed the effects of a mental disorder may have no clue what it is, what it causes, and why.

I think a big factor in the negative connotation that mental illnesses receive stems from the fact that people just don’t know. They do not realize how prevalent, debilitating, and real mental disorders are. Unlike cancer, mental health is not a common topic of conversations. However, just like cancer patients, we did not choose to acquire any disease. And I can tell you right now we sure wish we did not have them.

I was talking with my mom the other day about how frustrating the stigma on mental health is. I expressed how unlike physical illness that you can see, mental illnesses are hidden which is probably one of the reasons why the stigma is so prevalent in our society.

Earlier today I was researching the stigma on mental illnesses because I find it fascinating ad because it is something I am passionate about. I came across an article by Psychology Today concerning the topic of mental health and stigma. I found it very interesting because it paints a very clear picture of what mental health stigma is, contributing factors, and the cause and effect it has on people who suffer from mental illness.

Although I fond the whole article interesting, here is the gist of it:

What is mental health stigma?: Mental health stigma can be divided into two distinct types: social stigma is characterized by prejudicial attitudes and discriminating behaviour directed towards individuals with mental health problems as a result of the psychiatric label they have been given. In contrast, perceived stigma or self-stigma is the internalizing by the mental health sufferer of their perceptions of discrimination (Link, Cullen, Struening & Shrout, 1989), and perceived stigma can significantly affect feelings of shame and lead to poorer treatment outcomes (Perlick, Rosenheck, Clarkin, Sirey et al., 2001).

Personally, I can relate to the self stigma because shame has been a huge factor within my disorders. The thought that I should not have a disorder for me has been quite prevalent in the past.

In a survey of over 1700 adults in the UK, Crisp et al. (2000) found that (1) the most commonly held belief was that people with mental health problems were dangerous – especially those with schizophrenia, alcoholism and drug dependence, (2) people believed that some mental health problems such as eating disorders were self inflicted, and (3) respondents believed that people with mental health problems were generally hard to talk to.

Eating Disorders are not self inflicted. Period. People who have eating disorders did not do anything to get the disorder. It is not their fault.

Why does stigma matter?: Stigma embraces both prejudicial attitudes and discriminating behavior towards individuals with mental health problems, and the social effects of this include exclusion, poor social support, poorer subjective quality of life, and low self-esteem (Livingston & Boyd, 2010).

How can we eliminate stigma?: We now have a good knowledge of what mental health stigma is and how it affects sufferers, both in terms of their role in society and their route to recovery. It is not surprising, then, that attention has most recently turned to developing ways in which stigma and discrimination can be reduced. The fact that such negative attitudes appear to be so entrenched suggests that campaigns to change these beliefs will have to be multifaceted, will have to do more than just impart knowledge about mental health problems, and will need to challenge existing negative stereotypes especially as they are portrayed in the general media (Pinfold, Toulmin, Thornicroft, Huxley et al., 2003).

*Davey Ph.D., Graham C.L. “Mental Health and Stigma.” Psychology Today. N.p., 20 Aug. 2013. Web. 8 Oct. 2014.

Mental Illness Facts:

›One in four adults−approximately 61.5 million
Americans−experiences mental illness in a given
year. One in 17−about 13.6 million−live with a serious
mental illness such as schizophrenia, major depression
or bipolar disorder.

›Approximately 20 percent of youth ages 13 to 18
experience severe mental disorders in a given year. For
ages 8 to 15, the estimate is 13 percent.

›Approximately 1.1 percent of American adults—
about 2.4 million people—live with schizophrenia.
›Approximately 2.6 percent of American adults−6.1
million people−live with bipolar disorder.

›Approximately 6.7 percent of American adults−about
14.8 million people−live with major depression.

›Approximately 18.1 percent of American adults−about 

›42 million people−live with anxiety disorders, such as
panic disorder, obsessive-compulsive disorder (OCD),
posttraumatic stress disorder (PTSD), generalized
anxiety disorder and phobias.

›About 9.2 million adults have co-occurring mental
health and addiction disorders.

Getting Mental Health Treatment in America:
›Approximately 60 percent of adults, and almost one-half
of youth ages 8 to 15 with a mental illness received no
mental health services in the previous year.

›One-half of all chronic mental illness begins by the age
of 14; three-quarters by age 24. 

The Impact of Mental Illness in America: 
›Serious mental illness costs America $193.2 billion
in lost earnings per year.

›Mood disorders such as depression are the third most
common cause of hospitalization in the U.S. for both
youth and adults ages 18 to 44.

http://www.nami.org/factsheets/mentalillness_factsheet.pd

›Approximately 2.2 million American adults age 18 and older, or about 1.0 percent of people in this age group in a given year, have OCD.

›Approximately 40 million American adults ages 18 and older, or about 18.1 percent of people in this age group in a given year, have an anxiety disorder.

http://www.thekimfoundation.org/html/about_mental_ill/statistics.html

›Up to 24 million people of all ages and genders suffer from an eating disorder (anorexia, bulimia and binge eating disorder) in the U.S.

›86% report onset of eating disorder by age 20; 43% report onset between ages of 16 and 20.6

›Anorexia is the third most common chronic illness among adolescents.

›95% of those who have eating disorders are between the ages of 12 and 25.

›25% of college-aged women engage in bingeing and purging as a weight-management technique.

›The mortality rate associated with anorexia nervosa is 12 times higher than the death rate associated with all causes of death for females 15-24 years old.

http://www.anad.org/get-information/about-eating-disorders/eating-disorders-statistics/

Different…In A Good Way.

In the midst of my eating disorder, there came a point in my life where I was not living for anything. I was constantly anxious about food, which by the way is always on your mind when you are restricting. I was constantly trying to mask my inner pain with a smile so forced that I did not even believe it when I looked in the mirror. The fact that I maintained such a high GPA my last two years of High School amazes me just because I was never completely mentally present. The isolation I put myself through, and the distancing and sheltering I kept myself in from friends and family was toxic and only made matters worse. I woke up dreading the anxiety I would be bombarded with the second I got out of bed.  I walked around feeling numb and holding back any emotion that tried to force its way into my view. I lied to myself every day. I told myself that I was fine and that I did not need help. Yet, I find myself crying almost everyday, choking back emotions, and not really living. In fact, I was present, but I was never living.

Recovery is giving me a glimpse of how it used to be before I was succumbed to the disorder. It is truly amazing what food and nourishment does for your brain. Now that I can maintain a healthier frame of mind, I can see how deep into my eating disorder I was. In fact, now that I can see it through clear eyes, it is scary. In the midst of it I never stopped and realized the mess I was in. Despite all the warnings and comments from friends and family, I just could not see it, at least not logically. The sad thing is that I knew I had a problem, that I was ill, that I was not okay and had not been for a long time, but admitting it, now that was another story. Say hello to shame.

I have been in recovery(hard core mental +weight gain with both my therapist and dietitian) for 83 days now.(I am weird with dates I know) and a lot as changed and taken place. And when I say a lot, I mean A LOT. Everything in my life from that Friday in July has been different.

It was not until recently that I have actually liked the difference, in terms of overall happiness and enjoyment in life. Frankly I still have yet to like the difference in weight, but I am getting there and I will get there.

On the plus side, I am no longer freezing cold all the time. I am no longer unable to focus in class due to undernourishment. I have smiled and laughed and truly meant it. My mood has changed drastically. I no longer walk around quiet and sheltered. I wake up excited to see where recovery takes me next, when just a few weeks ago I dreaded it because it was the last thing I wanted to confront.

Now, I am not saying that I feel on top of the world every single day because I am definitely not there yet. But honestly, I am so much happier than I was one to two years ago one year ago, and even five months ago.

Yes, some of my clothes do not fit anymore and yes I hate that. But then again, were they really supposed to fit my almost 19 year old frame anyway?

Yes, I still have fear foods and anxiety around eating. I still have trouble eating in front of others. I still have anxiety when challenging myself outside of my normal routine.

Yes, I still do not accept the weight gain, and some days it bugs me more than others. I still struggle mentally every day but my inner voice is different. I am not constantly speaking negatively to myself and even though sometimes those kind words that I whisper to myself are hard to believe, I know that some day I will.

These past three month I have also learned so, so much. I have gone from eating way too few calories to around 3800 a day due to my meal plan. I have eaten when it hurt, when I did not want to, and when I felt utterly disgusting. (I just might have to write a blog post about my increasing journey because, oh man, that was the struggle). But hey, I got through it with lots of tears, bloating, and discomfort and now I have been able to decrease to a much more manageable level. Thank you Jesus! Seriously.

I still have a long way to go. But, despite that fact, I have come so far and I am beyond thankful. The other day I was driving home from work and I was reflecting on the past few months and I realized that my mindset was different. I was not overly stressed, I was happy, and I was positive despite the fact that it was ten at night and I still had to study for a test the next morning. When just a couple weeks ago I would drive home from work so stressed about the food I still had to eat, and disgusted with how gross I felt. I wanted to give up, go back to restricting and be miserable without food instead of miserable with food. And yes, I still feel that way sometimes, but that desire dwindles a little every day. In that moment all I could think about was how grateful I am. I literally wanted, in fact, I still want to hug my therapist and dietitian and tell them how thankful I am for everything they are helping me with.

The past week I have noticed a bit of a change in myself. I have experienced a little drop in my anxiety levels. I have realized that I have been smiling and laughing more. I noticed that I actually enjoying going to school and going to work. One day when I got home from work I told my mom that I felt happier than I had in quite some time. I told her how I was beginning to view life differently. I told her I was happy, and that I know I have the potential to become even happier as I continue to recover.

Overall, this last week I have felt genuinely happier. I appreciate life so much more and I cannot wait to experience the place I am in when I can truly say that I beat what has been beating me up for so long. A few weeks ago I never imagined myself saying these three words: Different is good.

Philippians 4:13 I can do all things through Christ who gives me strength.

 

Judging A Reflection.

It is ironic that this week there has been a recurring theme in my life about the topic of judgments. In therapy, we talked about the harm in both positive and negative judgments and in my English Writing class I have to judge and review a book that I either like or dislike.

Judgment: the opinion formed; the forming of an opinion, estimate, notion, or conclusion, as from circumstances presented to the mind; to form a conclusion or opinion about.

Before I begin, lets just admit it. We all judge. Yes. It is true. We may not always judge negatively, but even judging positively is still judging. We judge books by there covers, we judge people by their appearance, and we assume this and that based off the outward appearance. We may even judge them by their words and actions. By doing this we come to a conclusion of who they are and why. What is portrayed on the outside is not always a projection of whats on the inside. There is so much more going on behind the scenes.

My therapist and I literally had the best conversation about judging. Up until that conversation I had never really thought of the fact that we judge whether we are doing it in a positive or negative way.

The conversation revolved around body image and judging my body. The topic was brought up due to the fact that we were looking through the chapter I had completed in the body image workbook. It was discussing the conclusions and verdicts that take place when I judge how I feel based on how I think I look.

The one part that really stood out while we were discussing this topic was this:

“The first verdict equates thoughts and feelings with truth. When you think or feel that you are “ugly” or “fat” or physically “unacceptable,” you judge these experiences as a valid indictment of your body and your self worth. Of course, they are only thoughts and feelings. They are not evidence of any truth. Acceptance means recognizing that your experiences are merely inner events. You can be objectively aware of these events ad see them for what they truly are-just inner thoughts and feelings.”(The Body Image Workbook)*

In the moment when I experience feeling or thinking that I am “fat” I rarely immediately think that it was just a thought. Instead it becomes a truth, written on stone like the ten commandments. In that moment I am judging my appearance and judging my thought which leads to a constant cycle of mean voices.

It is hard in the moment to view my thoughts as just that…thoughts. It makes it even harder that I am not ever certain if there is any reality at all in what I am seeing. One second I may somewhat be pleased with how I look and think that I look leaner or whatever. (which once again is still a judgment). And then literally I could see myself in a mirror five minutes later and think the complete opposite. It is hard to even to begin to accept anything about my body image when I am not even sure what is reality.

One of my goals in recovery is to come to a place of acceptance towards my body. I want to go from tolerance→acceptance→like/love. I want to be able to do more than just accept my body, I want to be able to appreciate it and come to love it. Because the reality is, I am the one who has to live in my body for my whole life.

Every time I look in the mirror instead of judging, I will be thankful. Every time I touch a part of my body that has more lean muscle tissue on it than it did before I will be thankful.

I do not want to continue on in life by just tolerating how I think I feel and look. I want to accept the fact that my body is no longer underweight, sick, and unhealthy.

Thank you body for sustaining me thorough everything I put you through. You never gave up on me, so I won’t give up on my relationship with you.

*The Body Image Workbok: An Eight Step Program for Learning to Like Your Looks by Thomas Cash.

Mindfulness In The Moment.

 

Mindfulness: “refers to the clear seeing and nonjudgmental acceptance of what is occurring in the present moment” (pg.80).

Mindfulness and self compassion go hand in hand. I have found that in order to have compassion on myself when I have harder days in recovery, I must first be aware of it. And that is were mindfulness comes in.

When I was in intensive treatment for my OCD and anxiety disorder, one of the main focuses was mindfulness. My therapist, and all the other therapists as well, stressed the importance of focusing on what you were feeling, thinking, and believing about those thoughts or that scenario in the moment. The goal was to not focus on past or future and to only focus on the here and now and practice being mindful in the present situation.

Personally, I struggle with mindfulness especially on particularly bad days. Most times, it seems like the knowledge I possess on mindfulness and self compassion disappear when the thoughts become too loud. But I am learning to be mindful of that as well.

One of the hardest aspects of mindfulness for me is allowing myself to feel the emotions. My first instinct when it comes to emotions such as shame, anger, frustration, anxiety etc, is to push them away and ignore them because it seems easier to deal with. But unfortunately that notion is wrong. It may seem easier at the time, but the longer I bury my emotions the worse I end up feeling and the harder it is to face all of them at once.

The key concept of mindfulness involves being mindful in the moment.

“When we notice our pain without exaggerating it, this is a moment of mindfulness. Mindfulness entails observing what is going on in our field of awareness just as it is–right here, right now.” (Pg.85)

I constantly have to remind myself of this. I often focus on the past or future which causes me to overlook and ignore the emotions I feel in the present moment.

I am learning that when I am mindful of my present thoughts and feelings, I can then assess the thoughts. Are they accurate? Are they true? Is it my eating disorder talking or my OCD?
I then can practice self compassion.

I love what Kristen Neff has to say about believing the thoughts we think. She says, “Mindfulness provides incredible freedom, because it means we don’t have to believe every passing thought or emotion as real or true. Rather, we can decide which are worth paying attention to and which are not” (Pg.90).

This really speaks to me. It made me recognize that not everything I think is true. In fact, most of what my mind tells me from an eating disorder and OCD point of view is NOT true. However, knowing the thoughts are not true and choosing not to believe them are separate battles of their own. But practicing being mindful of those thoughts, and being aware of their inaccuracy and falsehood is being mindful.

That quote from “Self Compassion” by Kristen Neff reminds me of analogy my therapist once told me. She said that being mindful is like watching leaves float down a stream. Each leaf is a different emotion that you feel and as you watch them come and go down the stream, you are allowing your emotions to come and go. You are being mindful.

That has really stuck with me.

Mindfulness and self compassion can be challenging to practice. In all honesty sometimes I do not want to put in the effort. I sometimes feel like it won’t help, or it is a waste of time. But every time I begin to have compassion on myself, my mind and heart begin to soften to the truth again. The truth that the eating disorder voice lies. It tells you what it wants to keep itself alive. My eating disorder has no compassion for me and I can guarantee that compassion is the last thing it wants for me to give myself.

This past week I have really been struggling. To be honest, self compassion was the farthest thing from my mind and when I was reminded from it, it was the last thing I wanted to work on. But once I did, once I was mindful of my situation, my mind began to clear slowly. I was able to realize that the unhealthy thoughts were not helping me. But with mindfulness and self compassion I can do something about it that no one can do for me. I can work on loving myself.

Self compassion is like love. No self compassion is love.

Goal: To be mindful in the moment even when self compassion seems unreachable.

Source: Neff, Kristin. Self-Compassion: Stop Beating Yourself Up And Leave Insecurity Behind. N.p.: n.p., n.d. Print.